I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. — Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. — Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. — Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. — Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. — Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
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I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

— Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
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More “Humor” Quotes

What are you going to do? "Can't say - run for president, write -" "Greenwich Village?" "Good heavens, no - I said write — F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise
There's only one person who needs a glass of water oftener than a small child tucked in for the night, and that's a writ — Mignon McLaughlin
The world requires me to re-write its wretched dialogue! — Richard Greenberg
Not long ago, I advertised for perverse rules of grammar, along the lines of "Remember to never split an infinitive" and — William Safire, Fumblerules: A Lighthearted Guide to Grammar and Good Usage
Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday. — Mark Twain, Roughing It
My Aunt Dahlia, who runs a woman's paper called Milady's Boudoir, had recently backed me into a corner and made me promi — P.G. Wodehouse
On their sofas of spice and feathers, the concubines also slept fretfully. In those days the Earth was still flat, and p — Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume
Writer's block' is just a fancy way of saying 'I don't feel like doing any work today. — Meagan Spooner
I've found the best way to revise your own work is to pretend that somebody else wrote it and then to rip the living shi — Don Roff
I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains. — Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic
Writing is turning life's worst moments into money. — J.P. Donleavy
If you hear voices, you’re a lunatic. If you write down what they say, you’re an author. — Dani Harper