I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. — Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. — Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. — Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. — Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating. — Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
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I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

— Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
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More “Humor” Quotes

There are many good inventions on earth, some useful, some pleasing: for their sake, the earth is to be loved. And there — Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra
Remember you are never really alone. Although it may feel like it for very long stretches of time. — Steven L. Peck, A Short Stay in Hell
If you can find no way of getting the Notes duplicated, why not try the Ministry of Cultural Affairs, who might be sympa — Nanavira Thera
People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana
So I lived alone. The first thing I did was take off my pants. Naturally. — Edward Abbey, Desert Solitaire
Life it too short to deal with crazy people. — Karen E. Quinones Miller
[She] lost her patience, a thing she was all too prone to misplacing. — Gail Carriger, Heartless
The woman gestured to a seat and put on a patient face. An impatient sort of patient face, like an impatient face dressi — Shannon Hale, Midnight in Austenland
Crushed again! — W.S. Gilbert, Patience
I have seen what comes of being patient," Amanda said with a boding look. "And I have no opinion of it.""What does come — Georgette Heyer, Sprig Muslin
It would be hilariously tragic if I avoided the rabids, avoided the sun, only to be fried to a crisp on a damn electric — Julie Kagawa, The Eternity Cure
Patience is a virtue," she replies."Why couldn't 'hurry the fuck up' be a virtue? — Katelin LaMontagne, Surge