Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.

Animals are my friends...and I don&#039;t eat my friends. — George Bernard Shaw

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. — Phyllis Diller

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. — Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes. — Nikolai Gogol

My rapier wit hides my inner pain. — Cassandra Clare

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. — Charles Lamb

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. — Oscar Wilde

Black holes are where God divided by zero. — Albert Einstein