51 Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg

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51 Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg. Here are the best Mitch Hedberg quotes that you will enjoy reading and will surely inspire you. American stand-up comedian Mitchell Lee Hedberg is known for his bizarre humor and expressionless delivery. Mitch Hedberg comedy usually includes one-lined, short jokes, mixed with a non-logical conclusion or consequence of facts and absurd lines. May these quotes by Mitch Hedberg help you set your worries aside and become a reason for you to show that beautiful smile on your face today. Share these quotes from Mitch Hedberg with your friends, family, and loved ones to inspire them as well.

Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



1. An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



2. I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



3. I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



4. My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



5. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero? – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



6. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



7. Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read! – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



8. My hotel doesn’t have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c’mon man… People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



9. I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



10. I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



11. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture is of you when you were younger. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



12. Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



13. I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



14. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



15. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



16. Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. –  Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



17. This shirt is dry-clean only, Which means… it’s dirty. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



18. I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



19. I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going, and hook up with them later. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



20. I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



21. People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



22. Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus? – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



23. Dogs are forever in the push up position. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



24. I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



25. Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a black-light popped up over his head? – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



26. I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



27. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



28. When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



29. You can’t have seaweed as a house plant because you’d have to water it way too much. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



30. I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



31. I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



32. I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



33. I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



34. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



35. I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



36. Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I’m angry. Germs do not go quietly. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



37. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



38. If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



39. I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



40. I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



41. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



42. It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



43. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



44. They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



45. I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



46. I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



47. If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



48. I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



49. I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



50. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. – Mitch Hedberg




Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg



51. It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? – Mitch Hedberg

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